Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers &
Daughters of narcissistic mothers often struggle with relationships. It's not surprising, given that we did not
have good healthy relationships modelled for us.
This difficulty with relationships can manifest in different ways: difficulties with making or keeping friends,
difficulties with romantic relationships, difficulties with working/professional relationships. I know one issue I
often have is knowing what the rules are! It's like everybody else has this secret code book and I didn't get a
Romantic relationships and marriage can be a very big problem - probably because the quality of those
relationships affects so much the quality of our lives. If a friend is toxic we can usually break off the
relationship easily enough. If a colleague is toxic we can usually change jobs, albeit with a greater or lesser
But if our husband or partner is toxic ... well, that's life upheaval stuff, isn't it? It can take years to even
realise how bad things are, and more years to get the courage or resources to leave.
I see from reading the experiences of the forum members that many daughters of narcissistic mothers marry
narcissistic men. Not all, probably not even most. But many. It's not surprising, really, is it? It's what they're
trained to, it's what they're used to. And these narcissistic men find these women unerringly.
Even if we don't marry a narcissist, it can be challenging to create a healthy relationship. I am heartened by
the number of women on the forum who have married the right person first time out, or even second time out. But
it's far from the majority.
I myself married a man who is, and always has been, emotionally unavailable. He is the kindest, most decent,
most gentle, most ethical person you can imagine. But he cannot engage in close personal relationships.
In retrospect I can see that I was totally modelling and replicating my childhood: emotional neglect and
In his groundbreaking Imago theory, Harville Hendrix argues that we marry for the purpose of healing and
finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who
can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits. And so we marry people who
replicate our parents' dysfunction, in the hope that we can fix it this time.
I can totally see this, and indeed am in awe of how perfectly I chose my husband, of all the people I could have
met and married, and how perfectly he replicated (albeit in a much kinder and well-intentioned way) the dysfunction
of my childhood.
So one of the things I want to do here is to research and collect resources to help us do/get/have/create better
Finding The Love You Want with EFT
The Cure To Being Single When Nothing Else Works
It's no secret that I am a huge fan of EFT/Tappping to quickly and easily resolve our subconscious
negative programming. Well, I have located this resource which uses EFT to help you find love by removing your
mental and emotional blocks. It has been created by Stefan Gonick, the EFT Love Coach.
The courses are not cheap, but a) they come with a full 60-day money-back guarantee, b) meeting the love of your
life is surely priceless! and c) there's a free mini-course for you to try it
You can find out more, or get yourself the free mini-course by clicking the image below:
I recommend Harville Hendrix's books for anybody wishing to understand their relationship dynamics.
This is the first book, and is aimed at couples, but in my opinion is superb for even a single
person to read and learn about the Imago theory of relationships - things make so much more sense
after this. Hendrix' purpose in writing the book, he says, was "to share with you what I have
learned about the psychology of love relationships, and to help you transform your relationship
into a lasting source of love and companionship."
The book covers "The Unconscious Marriage," which details a marriage in which the remaining desires
and behavior of childhood interfere with the current relationship; "The Conscious Marriage," which
shows a marriage that fulfils those childhood needs in a positive manner; and a 10-week "course in
relationship therapy, " which gives detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order
to learn how to replace confrontation and criticism ... with a healing process of mutual growth and
||This workbook expands on 'Getting The Love You Want' with lots of exercises for you to do
||This is an extremely important issue for DONMs - being able to receive love. When you're raised
thinking that you don't deserve it, or aren't worth it, or aren't loveable ... well, it's very easy to
reject what love does come. Especially for DONMs whose mothers were engulfing - they may well have
learned that love, no matter how nice-appearing it is, is toxic, and so of course they'll 'protect'
themselves from that.
This book will help you receive love.
Keeping The Love You Find is "a guide to holding onto love shows readers how to meet the
challenges of a new relationship, avoid making the same mistakes, deal with emotional issues, and
improve their odds."
If you are currently single, or embarking upon a new relationship, then this is the book